The Best Questions to De-Escalate Any Situation

In today's episode, we're diving into an essential toolkit for anyone dealing with conflict: the best questions for de-escalating tense situations. Drawing from my experiences mediating deeply entrenched conflicts and working in high-stress environments like youth crisis centers, I'll share specific types of questions that can help lower the temperature and foster more productive conversations. We’ll explore how to open dialogues with neutral questions, how to prioritize urgent needs, and how to maintain empathy and understanding throughout the process. Plus, I'll touch on the importance of tone, body language, and offering a sense of control to the other party. Whether you're managing workplace disputes or personal conflicts, this episode provides actionable insights to help you navigate tricky interactions with confidence. Let's get started!

website: simongoode.com
email: podcast@simongoode.com

Transcript

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Well, hello, and welcome back to the Conflict Skills Podcast. I'm your host, professional mediator, Simon Good. In this podcast, I provide free resources and tools for dealing with conflict, whether that is related to workplace situations or conflict outside of work. So So if that sounds like the kind of thing that would be useful for you, please consider pressing subscribe. And thank you for joining me for the episode today. I'm talking about the best questions that you can use to deescalate any situation, including, by the way, a number of the very common questions that I use when I'm facilitating a mediation. And as I'm sure you can imagine, when I'm meeting people and there's been some pretty entrenched and inflamed conflict a lot of the time for a long time, sometimes 6 months or a year or 2 years or 3 years. By the time I get to them and I'm meeting them to figure out if there's some option for resolving all of this, you know, there's a very high level of emotions and so I often need to begin with a a pretty strong focus on de escalation. And one of the tools that we use most commonly as mediators are questions. So I'm going to be explaining some of the different types of questions that we can use as well as when you might consider the different options depending on what's happening in in terms of your relationship with the person. I'm recording a a video episode again. So if you'd like to follow along on YouTube, you you can check me out. It's at simongood, or visit my website, simongood.com. I've got a new version version of the website that I'm working on at the moment, and kind of excited about that new launch coming up. I've got a few different options that I'm putting together. There's some on demand webinars that you'll be able to, access the the kind of thing that it's like a prerecorded video that I've prepared that you can use either for one of your staff who might need training in a particular area or to sit down together with a group of staff. And, you know, you've all got a coffee and a notepad and stuff. And there's points during the video that you can pause it and I've got some questions to use for discussion, different case studies, different topics, that kind of thing. I've been working on self access online training now for quite a few years and, you know, various different iterations that I've literally developed full courses and then just not like them by the end of it. And so I've decided not to launch them. And I'm glad because this this, I think, option, the self access webinar version, I think is going to be just a really helpful, just option for professional development. It's a much cheaper price point than having me or someone else come and run a training workshop live. I mean, of course, you've still got that option where that's warranted. But this would be, you know, you've got just a few staff or there's challenges getting everybody together at the same time or whatever, and this solves some of those problems. So anyway, my website's simongood.com, and you can check out the new version, of that coming out in the next couple of weeks. So when we're approaching de escalation, of course, the types of questions that we use will only be one element that we should consider. When I run training in de escalation skills, I often talk about the right type type of voice. A low tone, low volume, and slow speed tend to be the attributes that work best for de escalating somebody. You can hear my throat's a little bit raspy today. I've got my son home from school today, sick, and my wife's home from work as well, and I suspect that I'm getting a little bit, crook as well. And so this probably is a very similar type of voice that you might like to use when you're approaching a de escalation situation. What's going on? How can I help? What do you need right now? That kind of thing. And then in terms of posture and body language, we should limit movement. So we don't want to approach or move away from the person, particularly doing that quickly, limit the amount of gestures that you're doing even if you're the kind of person that talks a lot with your hands, really trying to just keep your hands relaxed and maybe by your side. Open body language. Don't cross your arms in front of you. Approximately 1 and a half meters or 2 arms lengths apart. You know, using an appropriate amount of eye contact, which normally we recommend around 70% or so. But, of course, it would depend on the situation and the cultural norms and all the rest of it. And then generally speaking, you want to try to give the other person elements such as autonomy, like help them to feel in control. Certainty, you you should help them to know what to expect. This is what's coming. This is how long it will take, that kind of thing. Status, like, we want them to feel important, like, we're paying attention to them and the things that they consider to be important. We're also prioritizing, etcetera. And then relatedness, a sense of empathy, a sense of being understood and whatever their perspective or their, you know, their take on the situation is putting that forward in a way that presents it as being valid. It's like I just want to acknowledge this and this and this. And from how you say things, it's like this and this. So we use all of those different tools to deescalate situations, but the types of questions that we use are really essential alongside that other suite of options that we have. Now initially, especially if you don't know the person, like, a lot of my early career, experiences were working in places like youth crisis centers, for example. So if there was a client that was, you know, dysregulated, I didn't actually know them a lot of the time. I walked up to them and had to sort of say, what's going on? Do I need to call the police or an ambulance or, you know, are you just upset that someone's taking your food or you're about to stab somebody? Like, it could be the full gamut of options that I was walking into. And so I needed to figure out ways to start that sort of, what would you say, like, broke the ice. Like, I needed to insert myself into the conversation with this person. But if you run up to them, for example, and speak very loudly and say, hey, you, what's going on? You need to stop that right now. Like, there's a number of different ways that we can enter the conversation, if you know what I mean, like, start that might create a sense of almost like me against you. It's this adversarial nature, like you're wrong and I'm right or I'm going to convince you to change. And, of course, then the invitation is that they want to resist that change. Whereas I like to start in a much more open way, and I suppose for me, that's being neutral. If there's something going on, I use language that's mutual. Like what what what needs to happen right now as opposed to what do you need kind of thing. So it's open ended ways of starting, avoiding assumptions, and avoiding negative connotations. So you might start with questions like what's going on or what's happening. I like those phrasings because they're entirely neutral. It's like, what's going on? What's happening right now? You could say something like, what do you need? I don't mind that. Although, of course, it's implying something, you know, that they're obviously acting the way that they are because they need something. Whereas it might be in their mind that they're acting the way they are because your staff has done something that they shouldn't have done or whatever else it might be. And even if you come up and say something like, what's wrong? What's the matter? You know, nothing's bleeping wrong. You know, you can just imagine how sometimes we we're trying our best to help, and this is what we think is going on. Right? It's it's an assumption that we're making based on our experience and it might even be correct. But coming in too strong with the impression that you know all the answer, I think sometimes it just does elicit a little bit of defensiveness from the other person. So a more open ended question like what's happening, I tend to find that's a better way to start. And then when the person is still very escalated initially in the conversation, you want to keep the conversation as, you know, the words that you use as well as the questions that you ask very simple. So you might ask very simple closed ended questions like, do you need a drink? You need something to drink? Would you like us to get you some water? If you're explaining something like who you are, keep that phrasing very simple. My name's Simon. I'm a caseworker here. How can I help? What's going on? What's happening? Can you fill me in a bit on on what's going on? What do you need? Or you could ask them a closed ended question like, have you got your phone with you? Or did you come here by yourself? Or did someone bring you? So what we're trying to do is to give them a a question that's relatively easy to answer. And the reason for that is that the more escalated that somebody gets, it's I mean, I oversimplify all of this in terms of the explanations that I give. But it's almost as if we lose access to the rational section of our brain, you know, the front left or left section of our prefrontal, cortex. And so that's the part of our brain that does a lot of language and linear thinking and and, logic and all of that kind of thing, which is really important if you're trying to help them to understand the situation. But you can't go there too early because if they're too escalated, all of the activity for them is on short term survival. Like, that's their focus. So if you ask them a question, like, you know, what did the caseworker say to you? That's a hard question to ask because they need to remember the conversation and figure out who you're talking about and, you know, as opposed to something like, do you want some water or would you prefer to sit down or, did you come by yourself or, you know, can you tell me your name? That usually would be much easier, so to speak, starting point and you might find then that it causes them to become less flustered as a result. I often then think about options for prioritizing. Like, okay. We can talk about that. Like, often, somebody has a big, need that they are talking about. Like, I'm not leaving until somebody talks to me about getting a refund or, I demand to get a counseling appointment. Somebody told me on the phone it was gonna be 2 weeks. That's ridiculous. Or, you know, whatever the the thing is that they're upset about, they want a refund. Just let's use that example. So I mean, that's there. And whether or not you're going to give them a refund or not, I think it's usually helpful to say something like, look, we can talk about that. I'm happy to talk to you about the refund. Okay. Look look, we I can go through that with you. Before we do that, though, do you need a drink? Has anyone talked to you about where the bathrooms are? I'm sorry. I haven't even had a chance to introduce myself. Would it be okay if I let you know my name and maybe we can figure out the best way to go through this? I'm I'm really slowing things down and trying to prioritize. It's like, what do you need right now? What do you need first? Where should we start? You mentioned this and this and this. What would be the best starting point for you? What's the priority? Now they might be very scattered and all over the shop, and that doesn't actually get to a lot of sensical responses. But in some situations, it does help them to it's almost like a way that trust is built, that you're establishing clear expectations that are then followed through with. That's often also the way that I talk about trust when I'm doing mediation processes with clients where, you know, something negative's happened. And so they're obviously sitting there in a situation where there's not much trust in a lot of these mediations. And we're figuring out the steps that are going to be needed to rebuild a bit of a sense of trust. And I often say it's a process that looks like clarifying expectations over and over again and then people doing what they've said that they're gonna do. And so when you're prioritizing with the client or whoever it is that you're de escalating and giving them something that you said that you were gonna give them, it's this incredibly reassuring effect that it tends to have on them. You also want, where possible, to give them a sense of autonomy, help them to feel like they're in the driver's seat of the conversation or regarding the issue altogether, like asking permission. Look, there's a few questions I need to ask you before we can get to that section of the form. Would you mind giving me your name as a starting point? Or could you tell me your first and your last name? Or there's a few questions I need to go through. It's gonna take 2 or 3 minutes. Would you prefer to do that here? Or should I see if I can organize a meeting room for us to go to and have somewhere a bit more private? What would work best? Before we go through this, do you wanna duck to the bathroom or grab or can I get you a drink or anything? Or would you prefer just to get going? So I'm giving them that sense of being in control of the conversation. Like, what are we gonna talk about first, or do you need to do this before we get going? And then also maybe about the issue itself, like, look, it sounds like you were wanting a refund. Can can you just fill me in on if we did decide to do that, What would be the logic from your perspective around why that would be warranted? The final option that we want to use is relatedness. These are the questions that we can ask to confirm that we understand what the other person shared with us, to clarify facts maybe, to explore any potential areas where we need more detail, and then to summarize next steps that might be taken by you or maybe things that you need to do them next as well. So just asking things like, look, it sounds like you wanted this and this. Have I got that right? Okay. So when you were doing this and this, it sounds like this happened and then this. Can I just ask, when you say that you did this, what what did you actually do or what were the words that you used? Or when you say that that was something that our staff communicated, how did that happen? Was that by email or a face to face conversation? Can you just walk me through the process there? So I'm gently being curious and asking for that additional detail where needed. I tend to do it myself in a way that's reasonably what would you say, like, differential? I'm trying to make the other person to feel important, that sense of status, I guess. But I know in the back of my mind that I might need to also be assertive during this as well. So if they say, I'm not telling you my name, well, maybe I decide that that's it then. And I'd say, look. Yeah. Look. That's a decision that you can make. I just wanna be clear, though, that if I'm not able to get your name, then I'm not going to be able to open a file for you in the system. And, ultimately, that means that we can't offer you an appointment with our service. Like, full stop, be quiet. Saying that type of stuff feels really scary. You're probably worried about what the other person's reaction is or you feel like a gross person for letting them down or something. But when we're deciding to be assertive, that's what we need to prepare for is the reaction that might come. It doesn't necessarily mean that we're doing the wrong thing. Like, maybe it's quite appropriate for us to say, I need your name if I'm gonna do this for you or, you know, this is what I can do to help. In order for me to do that, I need you to do this. And so I think sometimes the types of questions that we ask can also be used to reinforce some of these things, like, is that clear or are there any other options that come to mind to you? It seems like to me it's this or this. I'm not sure how we're going to be able to, continue unless I I get your name. Is there something else that you had in mind or is there a particular thing that you're concerned about giving me your name for? We can also use that to go to that next level of, concern, I suppose, for them to explore whatever the barriers or roadblocks are that's preventing them for agreeing to doing the thing that we want them to do. So I hope that that's been helpful for you thinking about some of those options that we can use for questions, particularly in situations where we need to deescalate somebody else or a situation that we're in. So considering those very open and general questions as starting points, like what's going on? What's happening? And avoiding the negative assumptions like, what's wrong or how can I help? Nothing's effing wrong. Keeping that initial conversation very simple conversation very simple when the other person's escalated the closed ended questions like, do you want something to drink? Where should we start? Before we begin, could you tell me your name? Prioritizing the different issues, giving a sense of autonomy, and then building a sense of relatedness through empathy that I've mentioned at the end there. If you've got feedback about the podcast, you can shoot me an email. It's podcast@simongood.com. A question, maybe an idea for a future episode of the podcast. And if today's episode has been helpful for you, I'd be incredibly grateful if you would consider press pressing subscribe or follow, or sharing it or leaving a positive review. If you can figure out how to do that, I literally was on Apple Podcasts, which I've just swapped over from a different podcast app, and I thought, oh, this will be interesting. I'll try and give myself a positive review for the Conflict Skills Podcast. And I couldn't actually find where in the app I was supposed to be giving it a positive review. So, anyway, after all this time, I'm blabbing on asking people to do something that I'm not even a 100% sure how to do it. You can probably tell I don't take all of the marketing stuff particularly seriously with the podcast, but, nevertheless, it seems to be growing regardless. So I take it something's resonating. Thank you so much for listening, and I hope to see you again in a future episode of the podcast either in the audio form or, in video on YouTube. Bye for now.