Five Types of Conflict Every Housemate Faces and How to Handle Them

In this episode of the Conflict Skills Podcast, host and professional mediator Simon Goode explores the five types of conflict that can arise between housemates: relationship, data, interest, values, and structural conflicts. He explains each type with practical examples from shared living situations and offers suggestions for addressing them effectively. The episode aims to provide listeners with a helpful framework for understanding and resolving housemate tensions, drawing on both personal and workplace conflict resolution strategies.

TIMESTAMPS: 

00:00 Housemate Conflict Patterns

06:03 Navigating Misunderstandings Diplomatically

08:24 Collaborative Beer Sharing Solutions

11:12 "Understanding Value Conflict Dynamics"

15:11 Creative Solutions for Shared Living

17:23 "Resolving Conflict: Engage and Support"

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

0:00

Foreign hello, and welcome back to the Conflict Skills Podcast. I'm your host, professional mediator, Simon Goode. I set up this podcast to provide free resources and tools for dealing with conflict. So if that sounds like the kind of thing that's useful for you, please consider pressing subscribe in the episode Today, I'm going to be talking about the five types of conflicts. Conflict. But this time I'm going to be focusing on a different context. Here I'll be talking about conflict between you and housemates. And I think that's a really good example because it's something that, well, first of all, a lot of us have experienced, so there's probably some familiarity with the levels of complexity that housemate conflict can bring uniquely. But I think it's also useful because it's an example of a relationship outside of work. And I often find these five types of conflict really useful for dealing with workplace issues, but they can also be applied to conflict in our personal life as well. So I suppose this would be an opportunity to explore that a little bit. And the reason that I've decided to focus on this is because of a kind comment that came in from Caitlin about a previous episode that I've recorded talking about dealing with conflict with housemates. And it just was something that I thought I wouldn't mind putting a little bit more flesh on the bone, so to speak. So here we are. So I have talked about these five different types of conflict previously, and often when I talk about workplace conflict, I break it down into these five components. They are relationship conflict. This is the reciprocal patterns that happen between you. The rolling your eyes when a housemate makes a comment or something like that, or the little smirk that they make when you ask them to do something, or the, oh, fine, you know, the frustrated breath out and then the frustration that that brings in you. How dare they act like the victim? After all, you're only asking them to clean up after themselves or something like that. So you build up a little bit of resentment. So then the next time you interact with them, you might be a little bit more harsh or tense or something like that. And it's really because of that pattern between the two of you, the way that you're interpreting the other person's behavior and communication, sometimes even lack of communication. There's a really good Vance Joy lyric that I love where he says, I'll read into everything that you don't say. And I think that's often the way that it goes with housemate conflict as well. There's the overt, explicit types of arguments that we have. But then there's the COVID type of conflict as well. The. The underlying factors, the tension, the awkward silences, that kind of thing. And so they would all fit into that first category of relationship conflict. Now, when I'm talking to managers and leaders and they're dealing with conflict within their team, I often suggest that relationship conflict is helpful to focus on. There are some options that we can use to deal with it, but it's typically best to leave this one until last. Like, you might decide to go for a walk with your housemate or go out for a drink or something like that in an effort to clear the air. But I probably wouldn't be holding on to a whole lot of hope that, you know, just listening to them vent or something like that. That could be a way of dealing with the relationship conflict. But if underneath it, there's an issue with contributing to the finances of the house or your expectations around socializing with one another or something like that, then that's going to be something different. And it's usually better to deal with those other underlying factors first before we circle back to the relationship conflict layer. So when I'm talking about interventions focused on that relationship, it's really about opening the door for change. It might be suggesting that you spend time together. It might be overtly suggesting that you talk about the relationship. Hey, I've noticed a bit of tension between us lately. I just wanted to talk things through. Maybe I'm doing something that's contributing to frustration or, you know, it's something that's out of line with what you're expecting. And I'd be happy to talk about adjusting. You know, I'd be more than happy to be flexible if that's something that would be helpful. So you're flagging this intention of I would like things to improve. Is there something that I'm doing that's getting in the way of that, so to speak. And there I think the focus should then shift towards the behavior. What do you need me to do differently? Or we could talk to the other person about what we would like them to consider doing differently. So those kind of things can help. But as I say, it's not going to solve the problem if underneath it, there's an issue with expectations or something like that. So that's the next type of conflict that you can come to. In formal terms. I often call this data conflict, but it's really conflict about the facts. It's conflict about who's agreed to what. You said that you were going to replace that Milk if I let you drink it, or something like that. Or you said when we moved in together that we could hang out and have parties at the house. And. And now every time I suggest something, it seems like it's just in the too hard basket. From your perspective. I just wanted to touch base, make sure we're on the same page. Last thing I want is for crossed wires or for these different sets of expectations to cause issues moving forward. So it's really data in terms of what was agreed to, what is expected but hasn't been agreed to, which might be from precedent, like the last house that you lived in or something like that. That was the way that we dealt with. Could be formal things like a written agreement that you've got, or an email trail between you and your housemate going back a few months or something like that. So written stuff. It's often easy to deal with data conflict because we can say, actually, that wasn't something that I agreed to. I'd be happy to discuss that if it's something that you think might help. But right now, that wasn't something that I was expecting to do, whereas it seems like you were of the understanding that that was something that I contributed to. You know, we're all going to have different ways of talking to our housemates, aren't we? Sometimes it might be much more formal and it's almost like a bit of a business meeting. When you're communicating with your housemates in other situations, you've got that level of friendship and there's much more of a familiarity that's there. So it's really about clarifying the expectations. And I think we need to tread a little bit carefully when it comes to data conflict. When the other person's wrong, like when they have misunderstood something or they've forgotten something that they agreed to, or they're misunderstanding the costs involved in this discussion or something like that. Like, we don't want to go too harsh on the. As I've said previously and as I've explained and as you already know, I mean, obviously these kind of phrasings, it gives the impression that the other person is either a jerk or an idiot, whereas it's often much more helpful just to normalize the fact that there could be these difference in understanding, a difference in expectations and your intention is to find some common ground. Let's organise a time to talk it through so that we can make sure that we're on the same page. It seems like you're expecting this, and that was because of this on my end. I'M interpreting it this way. It makes sense that we've got different perspectives. It's going to be normal that we're going to need to figure some of this out as housemates moving forward. So in other words, you're not a jerk and you're not an idiot. This is something that should be expected and probably something that we're going to need to deal with again, moving forward. And in that way, we normalize it. Therefore, I think it often validates the other person's perspective or experiences. It makes sense that there's been some tension between us. It sounds like we're coming at this issue from completely different directions. So the third type of conflict that you'll deal with is what's called interest conflict. This is about what I want versus what you want. Who's going to pay to replace the beer in the fridge, who's going to contribute to the electrical bills or something like that. Who gets to make decisions around routines and household jobs and that kind of thing. So interest conflict is about what's in it for me? It could be money, like we both don't want to contribute money and there's this big bill that needs to be paid that was unexpected or something like that. Or it could be scarce resources, like there's two beers left in the fridge and three housemates. When we're dealing with this interest conflict layer, we really do need to decide on a case by case basis what is going to be the best strategic path to follow. We've more or less got these five different ways of dealing with interest conflict that come back to what are called conflict modes. Thomas and Kilman were a couple of psychologists who studied relationship conflict specifically, and they identified these five options for dealing with conflict. We could avoid the conflict altogether. Maybe we notice that there's two beers in the fridge and we just let the other people have it, or we just grab them and hope that they don't realize that they were there. We could compromise. How about I have one and you have one? How about I have the beer this week and you could pay it back next week? We could collaborate. That's where we start to explore other options. Like I guess you could say, if you're willing to contribute beer next week, I'll have them this week. That could be an example of collaborating, but it could be other things aside from the beer, like, I'll cook dinner if you'll let me have them, or you have them this time around. Would you mind just picking up your clothes that are in the bathroom or something like that? So that's collaborating because we're expanding the set of options that we've got. It's not just this single bill that we're in an argument with or the single bit of food that's in the fridge that we're in an argument with. And we need to decide what's going to be the best way forward. When do we just need to compromise? Let's just have one each. It's often when there's not a huge amount at stake, it's just a beer, it's not the end of the world. Whereas if it's like a few thousand dollars that you're both needing to contribute, maybe you think den before being too accommodating or being too flexible. So we've got those first three options. We could avoid the conflict, we could compromise, we could collaborate. The fourth option is where we're accommodating. We basically say, yes, have it your way, no worries. And we give the other person what they're asking for, or we drop the request and figure out a different option for something that we're needing from them. And then the final option that we've got is what's sometimes called directing. We tell them, this is the way it's going to be. This is what I need from you. This is what needs to happen. It's the my way or the highway kind of approach. I guess. Now you don't necessarily need to be harsh or rude or abusive or anything like that. It just means that we're firm as we discussed. These are mine and I really do expect them to be there when I come home this afternoon. As we've discussed, we would both contribute to this bill in equal measure. I've got my money on the table. Could you please put yours there when you're able to? So that's the way that we deal with interest conflict. It's thinking about it in this case by case kind of way. There's this bill that needs to be paid, there's this chore that needs to be done. There's this thing that needs to be organized. And we need to decide when should we just be flexible and take that accommodating approach? When should we be firm and when should we consider avoiding the conflict, compromising or collaborating? The fourth type of conflict that you might come across is a little bit different. It's what's called values conflict. This could be to do with big picture values that you've got. For example, you really value environmental sustainability and so you want to purchase environmentally friendly cleaning products for the house. Or something like that. And the other person might have a different set of values. They want to save money because at the moment they're trying to save up a deposit to buy a house or something like that. So you've got these different ideas around what should happen. That's often the way that the rubber meets the road in terms of this, value conflict is where it comes down to expectations regarding behavior. So it could be big picture things like, you know, environmental concerns or something like that. But value conflict also happens in more of a micro way too. It's things like, do you expect to go and say hello to each other when you arrive home? What's the latest that you can make noise in the house? How should household chores be dealt with when a decision needs to be made? How does that happen? How much, say, do people get? What happens if you're not happy about the decision that's made? All of this kind of thing. And a lot of people have this idea in their head that there's such a thing as common sense. There isn't. And so, you know, at work, when we think about what's respectful communication or what's professional behavior like, these are all subjective elements. And we're all going to have a different idea in our head around what that looks like. And similarly, we're all going to have a slightly different idea in our head about what being a good housemate looks like. Is it hanging out and socializing? That might be an expectation that you've got because of a value that you have where you should be nice to people around you, or we should live in more of a community or something like that. Whereas someone else might think, look, I never signed up for this. The only reason I need a housemate is to split the costs of the accommodation. I don't want to hang out all of the time. Don't take offense when I don't say hello to you, because I've got other things that I need to be focused on. And often the way that we can deal with this value kind of conflict is by discussing those expectations. I've noticed that you seem to really enjoy spending time together and hanging out. And you've invited me a few times and I've had to say no. I just want to maybe touch base about it because that's actually something that's a little bit different than what I expect. I'm not used to hanging out with my, my housemates and being friends. I'd be happy to think about that as an option, but right now I've probably got too much on my plate. So I just wanted to explain, really, so that you know what to expect. So you're not constantly me inviting me and then being disappointed when I say no, no, no, no, no. I guess I just wanted to fill you in a little bit on what's going on on my end. How does that sit with you? What do you make of all of that? So, again, it's really normalizing the fact that we're probably going to have different expectations here and then setting up a conversation about how can we figure this out moving forward, how are we going to manage this, et cetera. And sometimes with the values conflict, you do come up with solutions, like we'll buy environmentally friendly cleaning products, but we're not going to go to the extra cost of, I don't know, this other thing, the solar panels on the roof or something like that. So it could be an actual plan that you've got. But I think a lot of the time just normalizing the fact that you've got different values here. And it's not a matter of right and wrong or good and bad. It's really just different perspectives and different ways of seeing the world. And it also doesn't necessarily mean that you can't be friends and you can never talk to each other or something like that. You voted differently. Okay, look, we do have different priorities, and it sounds like we've made different decisions in the past, but that doesn't necessarily mean that we can't have a relationship with one another. So let's think about this moving forward. Just what do we expect? What's going to work for you and what do you need from me? And then the final type of conflict that you might come across is what's called structural conflict. And with housemates, this is often an incredibly relevant area to explore. This is connected to things like the way that communication happens or the way that decisions get made. So if you're kind of emailing each other in the house and you've noticed that there's a bit of tension that's creeping in. There's room for misunderstanding at times. Maybe organizing a time to have a coffee together and sit down and just talk it through face to face would avoid some of those misunderstandings or crossed wires. Or maybe dividing up the way that you deal with groceries and just changing that would make things easier. Like instead of having all of these shared items and there's tension around whether people are using more than their fair share or something like that, maybe just agreeing that you'll pay for yourselves and just look after yourself moving forward. And instead of this shared idea, it's just different shelves on the fridge, that I have my stuff and you have your stuff. It might be changing the way that you pay your bills. Like suggesting that you all contribute an extra 50 bucks a week into the kiddie so that when unexpected costs come in, you've got a little bit of a buffer there. Or maybe even if socializing is a problem for you, you'll each contribute five bucks when you swear, and that'll go into a social fund that you'll use to have a barbecue in the house or something like that. It's often a real opportunity, I think, to think creatively about what kind of other factors might be related to the conflict here, including in the environment, including other people, including the way that you're making decisions, including the way that you're communicating and updating one another. And often when we do something differently, we end up getting something different as a result. Whereas, what's that old saying? When you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've already got. So how does that sit with you thinking about housemate conflict in that specific way of understanding it? In these five categories? Relationship conflict, the reciprocal interactions that you're having, data conflict, the facts, the expectations, interest conflict, what I want versus what you want, values conflict, my idea of what should happen and what's right and what's good, et cetera. And then structural conflict. And I'm wondering, as I've explained that for you, of course you're going to have different phrases that you'll use, like you're going to have a different communication style than me, of course. But it's possible that those same different categories would be helpful for you, even just as a tool to use to generate options and not feel as stuck and overwhelmed. Because one of the challenges, especially with the relationship conflict with housemates, is that there's this real cumulative effect of stress. It builds up and builds up, and it can be easy to feel stuck. You're not exactly sure where to turn, and you might even be feeling like you're banging your head against a brick wall. And if that's the case, this might even be a useful framework for you to consider using. Get a bit of paper and a pen and write it down. Data structure, values, interest, relationship. And what elements do you think are contributing to the conflict that you're dealing with? And therefore, what options could you consider trying moving forward? I'd love to know if it's been helpful, you can shoot me an email. It's podcastimongood.com and my last name has an E on the end, so it's S I m o n g-double o-e.com if you're interested in my services, the newsletter that I've got, and other kinds of things, you can have a look on my website, simongood.com and if it's been useful and you'd like to support the podcast, something that I would be incredibly grateful for would be if you'd be willing to press like or leave a positive review. If you'd like additional future resources to deal with conflict, whether it's to do with workplace situations or personal conflict, please consider pressing subscribe. But even little comments like this was really good or a few useful bits or good thanks, something like that. It's just a cue to the algorithm and that makes a real difference for tiny little podcasts like this. So thank you very much in advance if that's something that you're prepared to do. And thank you for listening. I hope that it has been useful and I hope that I'll see you again in a future episode of the Conflict Skills Podcast. Thanks again. Bye for now.