How to Mend Rifts and Break Negative Cycles in Family Relationships

In this episode of the Conflict Skills Podcast, Simon Goode explores the topic of mending rifts, especially within families, sharing practical strategies for repairing strained relationships and the importance of empathetic listening and effective apologies. He emphasizes the value of small, positive steps to rebuild trust and illustrates how to interrupt negative cycles that keep conflicts alive. The episode offers actionable tools for navigating difficult dynamics and encourages listeners to develop new, healthier relationship patterns over time.

TIMESTAMPS:

00:00 "Family as Society's Foundation"

05:49 "Rethinking Conflict and Control"

07:43 "Navigating and Mending Conflict"

12:51 Resolving Conflicts with Calm Intent

14:25 "Fostering Empathy and Resolution"

17:48 Steps for Making Amends

21:05 "Short Lead Time for Positivity"

24:31 "Repairing Relationships and Conflict"

Transcript

0:10

Well, hello, welcome back to the Conflict Skills Podcast. I'm your host, professional mediator Simon Goode. I set up this podcast to provide free resources and tools for dealing with conflict. So if that sounds like the kind of thing that's useful for you, please consider pressing subscribe in the episode Today I've decided to talk about mending rifts. I thought that that could be quite an apt and well timed topic for a lot of people following the Christmas and holiday period. I know in my own extended family there are a number of people who have rifts going on. They're cut off effectively from one another, either really limiting the amount of time that they spend, or just not ever speaking or spending time at all. And I mean, you can think what you want about that. Adults have the right to make their own decisions, etc. So I think in all of those kind of situations it's relatively easy to empathize with both sides of the conflict. And at the same time there are all sorts of what I think of as innocent bystanders that are also affected by the conflict, like the children, the kids of these people who are cut off. In my extended family myself, the kids don't get to spend much time with their cousins. And as families gradually become smaller and smaller and not everybody's having four or five kids, most of our kids don't have very many cousins. So at the least that's a loss. I think that's occurring simply because the two parents can't get along. And then you also see children losing out on some relationships, like grandparent relationships or step parents or in separated families. The similar thing is kind of occurring and I find it very distressing. Personally, as I've experienced being a parent myself, I've realized that it's just so important that family is the foundation to fix a lot of the problems that people are aware that are going on in society. The family is the thing that's going to be able to do it. I don't personally have a lot of faith in government interventions, having worked in many different not for profit organizations and seeing the incredibly ineffective way that they're run from the inside. And I don't think the government is particularly good at solving almost any problem either. So I think when it comes to supporting people through the most difficult times that they're going to experience, family for most people is going to be the thing that they need. And so when these rifts kind of occur, it's often in the good times. The challenge is that then when the bad times come, there's not that Rapport, the relationship, the sense of trust, the sense of familiarity that we can use to fall back on. And I find that really concerning myself. I don't think that I have ongoing conflict or rifts with other people in my family myself, but I certainly have at different times in my life. And gosh, I'm so grateful that I didn't end up cutting somebody off and choosing not to speak with them for the rest of my life, because I'm the kind of person that does act very spontaneously and I can be a bit stubborn and find it difficult to back down as well. So I'm glad that I've avoided that potential landmine myself. Which isn't to say that I've stood on a number of other conflict landmines along the way. So this mending rifts topic, I think would be quite appropriate and relevant for people, but also quite useful because we're not taught how to repair relationships. I think a lot of us expect that friendship or family relationships are just there because they're there. We're close because we're family, we're friends, right? We're loyal. There's some level of, we're in this together. There's some level of unconditional positive regard that I'm expecting from my friends and my family. And at the same time, I'm a mediator. And what I know is that in every relationship that we have there's going to be some element of conflict. It often begins in a very low scale kind of way, a difference in expectations, for example. I thought this was going to happen and you thought something else. So that's what I think about as conflict. It doesn't necessarily mean that there's arguments or Argy bargy going on, but at the very least we've got different perspectives on what should happen or, or what will happen moving forward. And so that's conflict. It's going to be in every relationship that we've got, in every team that we're a part of, with every boss that we work for, there's going to be some elements of conflict. And so for me, I think it's just there. So what do we aim to do about this conflict? How should we engage with it in a constructive kind of way? It's related to some extent in the way that I structure my own services as a mediator. Like, I consider myself to be a conflict resolution specialist, but I've thought about that phrasing very carefully, conflict. So that's it. It's not like disputes, it's not like a formal legal aspect that I'm interested in. It's much more about the way that it affects us as people and the way that we can develop these positive, reciprocal patterns going on in our life with the people around us. But do we resolve conflicts? Well, not really. Like, it's not like we solve it. Resolve, resolve, resolve. We're moving the conflict back to its solved state. So I suppose that implies that conflict to some extent is unsolved. Like it's a disorder, it's a mental health disorder, there's a relationship disorder that's going on. And what do we do when we solve it? Maybe it's putting it back into order, I don't know. But I don't think that resolve kind of word matches the understanding that I have about how I can help people when it comes to conflict. So then I considered other terms like conflict management. But are we really managing conflict? Do we really have control over the different bits and pieces that go on when we're dealing with conflict? Do we really have 100% self control, control over our own behavior? The words that we use when I'm speaking, I don't choose each individual word. It kind of just blurts out whether I'm in a flow and speaking to a group of a few hundred people, or I'm just sitting in my office like I am this morning, having a cup of coffee and speaking into a microphone. But I don't choose each individual word. I sort of have this intention to say something and then my mind constructs the sentence almost at the same time as it comes out of my mouth. I suppose we could probably pause and slow down and become more aware of those things, but I'm certainly not always fully choosing with 100% intention every single thing that I do and I say. But I think conflict management kind of implies that we do have some level of control over what's going on when it comes to conflict. I used to be really interested in organizational management, and that was a lot of the books that I was reading and podcasts that I was listening to was about becoming a better manager. And so a lot of the definitions of manager include things like planning, leading, organizing and controlling. Planning, leading, organizing and controlling. Those are pretty good options. When we think about what does a manager do within an organization, or if you're managing a business or something else. But that's not very accurate. When we think about what goes on in relation to conflict, do we really plan? Well, we only really plan what we're going to do. We can't really plan for what the other person will do, unless we're talking with them and going through it together. Do we really lead? I suppose so. We influence others. Is that the same thing as leading? I'm not sure if they're 100% synonymous or not. Do we organize? Maybe to some extent we can change the structures that go on when it comes to conflict, do we control? I would say very little. I've come now to think more about conflict. As we develop more capacity for dealing with conflict, it's more like we navigate conflict more effectively. We can choose when to be assertive, when to be accommodating and when to be compromising, or look for that option to collaborate. So if we come at this topic of mending of rifts from that lens of literally, let's find the best way to navigate this conflict, we have to think about what our goal is. What are we aiming for? When we think about mending a rift, is it resolving? Is it putting disorder back into order? Is it clearing the air? Is it getting an apology? Is it feeling like you're on the same page, moving forward? Like, if the rift wasn't as severe, how would you like things to be? I think that's probably a helpful starting point. As I go through the different topics that I'll talk through in the podcast episode today for you to keep in mind, what are you aiming for? What would a first, very small positive step look like? Maybe it's speaking again for the first time. Maybe it's getting a response from an SMS that you send. Maybe it's being able to sit down and have a coffee without an argument erupting. We need to, I think, begin to consider what are we working towards here. Otherwise, as I go through all of the different strategies, like, you might feel confident, you feel buoyed, and you feel like that's been really helpful. But to be frank, I'm not sure that it will actually translate into a change in your own behavior. So how can we reduce conflict? Well, we could reduce the frequency that the conflict is going on, the arguments that are happening. Or maybe we could focus on when the conflict occurs. We try to make it not as severe as it used to be so we don't hurt each other's feelings as much as we used to. We don't take the words that we say as personally as we used to. But I think mending rifts helps in a different way. It's more like we can figure out options for not letting the conflict go on as long. And conflict is a bit like a fire that can burn and get out of control. As you're sitting there ruminating at 11pm about this stupid thing that the person did today, you're becoming more and more angry. It's like the emotion begins to feed itself and like fire consuming oxygen that's going on and there tends to be a real negative reciprocal pattern that we can slip into when that occurs. We then lose sleep. And so the next morning we wake up and we're a little bit more frazzled. Something doesn't go right and we get a bit grumpy quicker than we normally would be. And then we remember that stupid thing that that person did. And I'm so sick of the way that they do this. And we re experience it, don't we? We re feel all of those emotions, we re justify our behavior. We effectively dig a deeper and deeper trench. So I think about the way that our brain is working as there's parts of it that are fluid and parts of it that are not as fluid. And when we're re experiencing previous events, it's almost like we're burning that set of memories into our brain a little bit deeper each time. And that's not often what we want. At the very least we wish that we could be a little bit differentiated and not experience the strong emotions when we're remembering it. And, and most of the time we also would want to remember the conflict that's going on a little bit less frequently. So let's think about what we can do then in terms of mending rifts. Where should we start? I think in a lot of family conflicts and in some work conflicts as well, the first step in a lot of cases should just be a timeout. Just get some space, go your separate ways. Don't respond to the SMS the moment that it hits your phone. Don't write back to that annoying email that they've sent or the Facebook post or the Instagram thing or whatever it is, like just kind of let it go, at least in the short term. And you might need to tell yourself something like not now. This isn't the time, this isn't the place. It's not going to be helpful if I rush in like full stop. This isn't the time. This isn't the place. Our brains have a much easier time dealing with not now as opposed to no. So it's not that you're never going to get back to them, but you're just going to wait until tomorrow morning because you know that you'll be in a different headspace by then. I love that word decompressing after conflict. It's like we're in this fight or flight mode and there's at least an element of us that's a bit like a cat that's been backed into the corner and we want to come out scratching. We feel like there's a lot of pressure. We feel like things are urgent and there's a lot at stake. And unfortunately that response of coming out scratching often creates additional problems that we then need to deal with. Like there's other people that have been offended by us or now we feel a bit embarrassed about the way that we've handled ourselves or whatever else it might be. It restokes the fires. It's like adding more oxygen again and again and again. So maybe just go your separate ways, Take some time out, get some space. At the very least for you, go for a walk, clear your head, get some fresh air. And if possible, like, if you're the accidental mediator and there's two other people who are dealing with conflict, you might like to suggest that maybe we just take a chill out afternoon and do our own thing and then maybe we can regroup tomorrow morning and see where everyone's head's at for going out for a bushwalk or a family activity or something similar. The next step, I think that often is needed when it comes to mending rifts, is some type of a statement of intent. I used to think that the best way to do this is just to raise the topic in a neutral and mutual kind of way. For example, you might say to someone something like, it feels like there's been a bit of tension between us, like something like that, like just naming the situation that's going on. But I personally like to add some kind of a statement of positive intent. This is what I'm aiming for. This is what I'm working towards. So it might be saying something like, look, it feels like there's been a bit of tension between us. I just wanted to touch base and find out if there was anything you wanted to talk about, I'd be happy to listen. Maybe I've done something that's offended you or it's come out the wrong way. Or maybe I'm misreading things, like, and then full stop, like, you just kind of let it go. You don't need to then ask an interrogating question like, you need to tell me what's going on. I'm sick of the way that you're giving me the silent treatment or something similar. I think it's often more Helpful to say it feels like things have been a bit sticky, a bit tricky, whatever. I'd love if we can get things back on track. What do you think would help? I'd love it if we could clear the air. What do you think would work best? I'd love it if we could have the weekend shift to a more positive frame of mind. What do you think would help? So you can choose to talk to me about what you're pissed off about, or you could choose to keep it private. Either option is perfectly fine with me. But I'm letting you know that I'm aware that there might be an issue and I would like for this not to continue. Once you've raised the issue, however you decide to do it, it's possible then that the other person might begin to explain what they're upset about. And so we really need to engage in empathetic listening here. This is not justifying, not defensive, not critical of their understanding, not correcting the things that they've done wrong in a very firm kind of way. Just listening to get an understanding of their perspective. Initially, you might be surprised at the dramatic difference that this makes. In a lot of rifts and conflict that's going on. People often have been ruminating and obsessing about things that have gone on in the past. So when they first get a chance to externalize it and speak about it, a lot of the time some of that pent up emotion comes rushing out a bit like a river that's been blocked and now all of a sudden the dam breaks and it flows through and so, so do these negative emotions. And I think about the emotions that the person's experiencing is all just connected to their perception. It's just based on their understanding of what I've said. It's just based on what they were paying attention to just during that conversation that we had. And if that's my lens, like they will have a different understanding from me. It then removes any pressure or urge that I have to jump in and correct them. Because it's not about correcting the ledger. It's first about saying, okay, it seems like we've got different perspectives here. Okay, it sounds like we really did sort of take different things away from that conversation. Okay, look, that wasn't my intention, but I can certainly understand how you might have interpreted it that way. Or I can certainly understand how it might have come across that way. So this step I think is just about giving the person the chance to express what's going on. If you're angry and upset yourself. You might need to do some deep breathing or a mindfulness technique or something similar, just to anchor your perception in the room and stop yourself from spinning into fight or flight mode and getting defensive yourself. And then if it's appropriate, I think the next thing that's often needed is some kind of an apology. And this is something that a lot of people struggle with. How should I apologise? What's going to be an effective way of saying sorry? It depends. It depends on your style and the person that you're speaking with and your understanding of what you've done and the other person's understanding of what you've done. Obviously, some apologies don't come across as very sincere. I'm sorry you feel that way is the classic one. It doesn't usually do a lot to make the person get a sense that. That you're sorry for what you've done. But for me, I often like to think about those five different types of apology. We could say just, I'm sorry, I apologise, some type of a formal acknowledgement of it, like I'm expressing an apology, apologies, or sorry, I'm sorry about that, I'm sorry if that was the way it came across. I'm sorry if that was the way that it impacted you. And then we could do something like, I'm not going to do that again. That's the second type of apology. Fair enough. I can see where you're coming from. Let's avoid that topic moving forward. Or I'll try and give you the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming that you meant this and this and this. Or maybe I'll slow down a little bit and do my best not to interrupt you like I did in that conversation this morning. So we could say sorry, or the second step would be to say, I'm not going to do it again. The third type of apology would be to say, can I make it up to you? Is there some way that I can make it right? Like, I'll go and grab you a beer or let's organise a time to get dinner or something one night next week. What do you think? Is there something I can help you with for the Christmas party that's at your house, given the fact that I've created this extra work that I wasn't aware of, maybe going offer to do something in terms of cleaning up? There's often not a way to fully repair the rift that's happened, but there might be something that you can do to make it right. And then the fourth Step would be saying something like, that was wrong. I shouldn't have done that. For some people, that's the apology that they really want. They just want you to admit that you were wrong, to admit wrongdoing, and then that gives them a sense of that the ledger has been corrected or something, and then they just want to move on. Or the fifth type of an apology is something like, would you please forgive me? Personally, I usually phrase this like, could we move forward? What do you think it would take to turn a page in the relationship? Something like that. I like using those kind of analogies. Although obviously to other people listening, that might come across as a bit wanky. But just saying something like, could you forgive me? Could we move forward? What's it going to take to get things back on track? That's the fifth type of apology that we could use. And I really like supercharging these five different options when it comes to apologies by combining them. I'm sorry, that was wrong. I shouldn't have done that. I'm not going to do it again. Is there something that I can do to make it right? Because the last thing I want is for you to be sitting there still being affected by this, given the fact that that wasn't my intention. So I've talked about a way of raising the issue in that neutral and mutual kind of way, or maybe summarizing your positive intentions. I've talked about some of the options that we could use for empathetic listening and just acknowledging where the other person's coming from. Considering if you need to apologize and what would be the best way of structuring that was the next topic that I talked about from here. I think we should hopefully have maybe in most situations to have interrupted that negative cycle. If you feel like there has been a chance to clear the air. If you feel like the person has really done their best not to respond and now there's this opportunity for a more positive interaction to happen, then that's what we should be focusing on next. It's the very small positive steps. If things were getting bad or things were bad for a long time, hopefully we've managed to talk it through and interrupt that negative spiral. What we need to do next is to develop some positive momentum. And if things have been bad for a long time, you might be looking at very, very small steps initially. Like, like, let's organise a time for a coffee tomorrow morning. Could I pick the kids up on my way home from work next week? Would that be helpful for you? I really like a few things. When it comes to these small, positive steps, I think a short lead time can often be very helpful. Are you free this afternoon? Because if I say to them, look, does the 27th of February work for you or something? And it's in six weeks time, they're going to stew and ruminate and there's so much opportunity for things to change in the meantime and for something else to go wrong. Whereas can we catch up this afternoon or can we catch up tomorrow morning? There's not that same opportunity for disaster to strike. And so there's not, I don't think, the same likelihood that the person will say, I'm busy. Could we take a rain check? So short lead time. And I think with these first positive steps, we don't really want to have an agenda, we don't want to criticize, we don't want to get in an argument, we don't want to get in a debate. So, so what that means, I think, is that we show up in a very open and curious kind of way. Let's figure out what would work here. Maybe there's bits of how we used to hang out that we're going to keep doing, and maybe there's bits that will be different, but I'm just going to play it by ear. I'm going to see how we go. And if that negative pattern begins to emerge, if they use the particular phrase that you're sensitive about, or they dismiss you and act a bit arrogant and entitled and that was the thing that pushes your buttons, or, or if a third person becomes involved and they stir the pot and create extra drama and headaches that's going on, it's possible that you'll take another step backwards. But when we think about mending rifts, it is often this very slow, gradual process. It happens over time and it's possible that it will be one step forward. Sorry, one step backwards and two steps forward. One step backwards and two steps forward. We don't want to catastrophize when there's some type of a storming event that happens. I don't know if any people listening to the podcast would be familiar with that. Forming, storming, norming, performing that Tuckman talked about. It's a very popular theory when it comes to management sort of training courses. The idea is that when you put a group of people together and form a new team, they often go through those first four stages. Forming, storming, norming and performing. So forming is where you get to meet each other and figure out who's who on your team. If you've had family conflict and you've mended a rift, you almost need to reintroduce yourself to each other. You really are meeting each other for the first time in some sense. Like your neurobiology will be different to how it was yesterday and how it was last month and how it was the year before. So to some extent it's true. You actually are saying to them, where's your head at at the moment? How are you traveling? What's going on with you? What are you aiming for? What are you working on? What are you focused on? How have things changed? What have you got coming up? All of those very open ended, kind of curious topics that we can talk about with people when we don't have these pre existing assumptions that we know them and we know what they're like and we know what they've probably been doing. And if those negative patterns do re emerge, you'll need to think about the best way to avoid it. You need a circuit breaker in the short term. So that might be something like just pausing. If they make an insensitive kind of comment and they're a bit rude, maybe you don't bite back, you just pause and take a deep breath and then change the topic. They are still in some of the previous patterns that they were in. They won't know how much you've changed until you have a chance to show them. So you shouldn't be surprised if they slip back into old ways of being with each other and just you providing a point of difference by choosing not to reciprocate, you might be surprised at how much benefit that makes in the longer term. Because what you're doing is cementing new neural pathways, you're cementing new relationship norms and relationship understandings, et cetera. So how has that been for you? Thinking about that topic of mending Rifts and some of those different areas that I've gone through, have you had experiences yourself dealing with family conflict and has it resulted in rifts? Were they permanent or was there something that happened at a particular point in time that changed things? I'd love to hear from you. The best way to get in touch if you'd like to email me is shoot me an email. It's podcastimongood.com if you would like to look at my training workshops hiring me to come and speak to your team or look at my essential foundations for Managing workplace Conflict course, you can check out my website, simongood.com and otherwise. Thank you very much for listening. I very much do appreciate it. And hopefully see you again in a future episode of the Conflict Skills Podcast. Bye for now.