How to Set Boundaries and Follow Up Assertively in Difficult Conversations

In this episode, Simon Goode explores how to follow up assertively in conflict situations without crossing into aggression, using a real-life neighborhood dispute as a case study. He breaks down practical strategies for communicating boundaries, weighing escalation options, and balancing assertiveness with relationship-building. The episode emphasizes adapting your approach to fit your context and values, and encourages listeners to reflect on their own methods and share their experiences.

TIMESTAMPS: 

00:00 The Challenges of Conflict Resolution

06:16 "Resolving Property Dispute Options"

09:19 Navigating Boundary Issues Diplomatically

10:39 "Conflict, Compromise, and Boundaries"

14:08 "Neighbor Dispute: Final Warning"

17:34 "Effective Follow-up Strategies"

22:53 Prioritizing Harmony With Neighbors

24:18 "Approaches to Conflict Resolution"

Transcript

0:07

Mm. Well, hello and welcome back to the Conflict Skills Podcast. I'm your host, professional mediator Simon Goode. I set up this podcast to provide free resources and tools for dealing with conflict. So if that sounds like the kind of thing that's useful for you, please consider pressing subscribe. In the episode today, I'm going to be talking about one of the key tools in our assertive communication toolkit. Which is following up. One of the challenges when people, I think, try to be a bit more assertive is that it's not always easy to know what to do. And unfortunately, when it goes wrong, that can be quite embarrassing or uncomfortable, distressing or stressful, sometimes even overwhelming. And what that often means, I think, is that people mention something once and then, hoping that they've resolved the conflict, they just sidebar it, they leave it for now. And then if the other person doesn't change, I know that there's a, a great deal of sentiment along the lines of, uh, well, I've done my job, I've done what would have been reasonable, I've done what you would expect from somebody if we're in an adult-to-adult kind of, um, rational conversation here. And unfortunately, I think that those points of view are built on a number of different quite shaky layers of the scaffold. Um, I think foundationally even, people aren't always acting as adults even if they're talking to another adult. And just because you've told someone something doesn't necessarily mean that it's registered in the way that you think that it has, or therefore that it will result in a change in their behavior. But it's not easy to know how to follow up in the same way that initially confronting someone can be quite challenging. Following up with somebody after you've confronted them, but they haven't changed— well, in some ways I think the stakes are almost higher by that point. So what I'm going to be talking about in the podcast today are some of the different practical options that you should— you could consider for following up. Now, you might have noticed then I did a bit of a Freudian slip, or whatever you call it. Like I said, you should do this, uh, actually that was a slip of my tongue. I don't mean you should do this. What I'm talking about today is my style and my approach. And so of course that's been something that I've developed through all of the different experiences that I've had until this point. And I'm talking about the context that I'm in and therefore the one that I'm familiar with. And it's possible, and I think probably actually quite likely, that you will have a very different perspective because you've had a different background to me. And with the context that you're in, it might be that there's a different approach that would be warranted But my hope is that hearing me talk about some of these different aspects might trigger different elements that you can then transpose onto the type of conflict that you're dealing with. So I'm going to be using a case study based on an example that I came across on Reddit. I'll read the case study first, then I'm going to be talking about a couple of the common responses that came back, and then I'll talk about my thoughts of what could be going on here. And therefore maybe some options for following up.

So here is the scenario. This is what the person writes: 3:29

Our home sits on a piece of property shaped like an L. Our backyard is in the back, and we have an extra lot off the side of the house, which we'll be using to build a bigger garage in the future. The issue lies in the side lot. We had some new neighbors rent the house next door last year. Their driveway is right on our property line, followed by a fence, then an opening to their shed. You have to walk on our property to get to the shed unless you walk all the way around the house. Not a huge deal there. After they moved in, they were mowing the lawn about 3 feet into our property behind the fence in the shed. My husband knocked on the door, nicely told them where the property line was, and told them that he will mow it. The neighbor offered to take turns mowing the lot, and he said, no, it's our property, we will take care of it. They then asked if they can have people park on the lot for a party they were having, and my husband said no. Since then, they still mow a strip behind the fence, and we decided to just leave it be. But now they're putting their garbage cans on our property on garbage day. My husband keeps moving them, and every week they put them back in our yard. Winter is here, and they've been plowing their driveway right into our yard, tearing up all the grass like they're trying to expand their parking space. They have people visit on snowmobiles, which they also ride right through our yard. Their driveway fits 2 cars and they have 3. Their cars overflow into our yard, and when they have visitors, they just started parking in our yard too. My neighbour caught them outside and talked to them again about it, and they said,"Ah, sorry," and they continue now to keep doing it. We just installed a fence in our backyard and don't really want to go through the process and money of installing another fence just to keep them out. I have considered parking one of our vehicles right on their property line by their driveway, but I don't want it to get damaged and I don't feel like being petty. I don't know what I'm looking for in terms of advice, but my husband is a lawn guy and doesn't want to keep confronting them over the grass. And then there's a little bit more that the person added after the, I guess, first few responses likely have come through. So the initial poster also wrote, "The shed was there when we moved in, so I'm not sure how old it is. I left a message with the city zoning department and I'm waiting for a call back. We will either be installing a cheap fence for the time being as we build our garage, or planting some shrubs. I like the garden idea. I'd like the lot to be more usable space in the meantime." So a lot of the responses that came through were stressing about like, you've done what you should do type of thing. Like one of the responses said, you've tried all the normal human ways of talking about it. And then another one said, you've tried to be reasonable, dot dot dot, eff them. So you've done what you should— what you— what would be expected of a reasonable person, I suppose. As the reply wrote, a normal human way of talking about it. And so it hasn't had the effect that you were hoping for, so therefore you should escalate things. Now, a lot of the responses that came through in terms of the way to escalate suggested that they could either build a fence physically— one of the suggestions that you'll hear they referred to is that they could build some plant, put some plants in the ground next to the driveway but on their property. Or the third, and probably by far the most common option it seemed to me, was complain to the city, complain to the council. Now, when I first read this, I was a little bit surprised that everybody seemed to be egging this person on to increase the conflict. I actually think this probably would be one that you might be able to let go. If they're just renting, they're not necessarily going to be there forever. So I suppose if this was a mediation client that I was seeing, I would probably encourage them to consider just getting over it. In terms of the conflict mode, this would be what we call the avoidant way of dealing with conflict. Long term, of course, this isn't going to solve problems in a very thorough and comprehensive kind of way. The person might still park on their block, and that's probably something that they need to just tolerate if that's what the path that they decide to go down. So that might come along with ebbs and flows, like when there's a party, there might be 4 cars on the block or something similar. Um, it might come with damage after there's been rain. Maybe the person puts the snowmobile on the yard and it tears up the grass or something. I'm not exactly sure. So I think there though, we can begin to differentiate those different consequences that we're worried about. There's the damage to the grass, for example. So if I was a mediator, I might say to them, have you looked into how much that would cost to fix that? What would be involved in putting that you know, back to the way it was? Would it be purchasing some topsoil, planting some seeds? Like, what do you think might be needed here? If we decide to go down that avoiding kind of approach, one of the things that can be helpful is actually quantifying things like what is the additional cost that might be involved here, etc. There might also be ways to consider collaborating with the person like maybe there's some kind of a win-win option that you can actually come up with. Like you could suggest that they give you something back in return for using the block, like maybe a small dollar payment, for example. Or maybe there's something that they can do to help you. Like you might say, if you mow it consistently and we don't have to, we'll let you park there. Or maybe you could say something like, look, the challenge for us really is the damage to the soil, when people park on the road, it's going to be very difficult for us to, I don't know, use as a foundation for a garage that we're hoping to build down the track. So you might say to them something like, you can do it, but if you cause this kind of damage, this is what the cost would be. Or you could compromise and say, half a car leading into our block is fine, but please do not allow people to park in our block when they come and visit you, your friends and your family, that kind of thing. So the initial way that we bring it up and deal with it kind of depends on our thoughts about what's at stake. How much is it going to cost here? What's the possible consequence of avoiding it? And there's a little bit of our brain connected to the amygdala and the fight or flight response that's on alert for potential threats. So one of the challenges if you do decide to take this avoiding kind of approach is that your brain keeps reminding you that 'What if they keep overstepping? What if they keep overstepping? Is this a situation where you give them an inch and they take a mile?' I suppose the reality is that it might be that, but in the meantime, we need to try to calm ourselves down when our brain is reminding us about that. Because if we go down the avoiding kind of approach, the negative or the impact that we, we sort of have to endure as a consequence is that we're stressed, we're worried about it, we're thinking about it, we're ruminating, etc. Or you could compromise on the specific issues, like maybe just talking about the bins. I don't mind if you put them there on the day that the rubbish is collected, but could you make sure that they're moved back into your block by that evening? If that's something that seems okay with you, we can go with that. But if you continue to leave the bins on the block throughout the whole week, we're going to have to consider other options, and therefore we'd probably prefer at that stage just to keep things separate. You also need to choose your battles, even for the responses that come through saying, um, like, you need to talk, you need to raise it with the council, you need to escalate things. Well, okay, fair enough. But when we escalate, the challenge is that the other person's alarm bells will start to be ringing. Like, in the same way that any breach of our boundaries trigger our alarm bells, it triggers our own fight or flight kind of response. Our brain is going, warning, warning, warning, shields down, shields down, we've been penetrated. When you see the car on your block, for example. So if you do need to follow up, choose your timing, choose the place and the setting that's going to be appropriate, and even consider what you need to do pre-conversation to get in the right mindset to have a productive conversation with your neighbor. So how do we follow up? Well, I suppose that's the point where we should start with pre-conversation. What do you do beforehand? You might have different approaches that work for you as opposed to myself. What do you need to do to be calm? Is it about the timing? Like, in the morning I'm usually okay, but when I've come home from work I'm exhausted and I'm really like, um, wound up. Or maybe it is when there's other people around or something similar. Maybe you need to have something to eat. Don't drink 3 coffees before you go. Do a workout or an exercise that morning if that's something that's helpful for you. Get yourself in a position where you've got as much capacity as possible. So what should we say when we go and follow up if we are talking to someone and we've already let them know there's a problem but their behavior hasn't changed? To me, as a mediator, the point where I often begin is Trying to state the facts objectively. Last week I came over and talked to you about it— this, you know, the parking on our block, for example. You said at the time that it was something that you were going to pay a bit more attention to, but I've just noticed that over the past couple of days there's still been people parking on our block. I'm not sure if these were even friends of yours, they might have been with a different neighbour, so I'm not making assumptions, but I wanted to come back and follow up with you about this. Because it was something that's important to us. And at the time, at least, it sounds like that was something that you were open to. So I'm stating the facts. I came and talked about this. You responded like this. Since then, this has happened. You could summarize the type of conflict, like maybe you could say, I don't know, maybe there's a bit of a misunderstanding or crossed wires here. You might have thought that we meant the entire car or more than one car parking on our block. 'Actually, we would prefer if you could just park the cars on your block moving forward. We're going to install a section of garden, etc., and we don't want that part of the block to be disrupted.' Or maybe it's values. You could say something like, 'You might think I'm completely overreacting. Even when I came over and talked to you about it originally, you might have thought that I was a bit nuts, let alone coming back and speaking with you again— speaking about it with you again.' I just wanted to follow up though, because it is something that's important to us, and we wanted to check, is that something that you're prepared to be a little bit more on top of, or a little bit more mindful of? What do you think? And I would personally give more of an ultimatum before I consider options for escalating. So sure, there's a point where you might need to let the city know, make a formal complaint about your neighbor to the council, for example. But I would let them know that, like, um, this is your last chance effectively. So if I'm following up and I'm— that's it, this is the only conversation I'm prepared to have. I might also say something like, mate, I don't want to have to complain to the council or, or to the authorities, but if it doesn't stop, that is something that we'll need to consider. Obviously all of that's drama that none of us need, and let's try and avoid it if we can. So I'm saying to him effectively, if your behavior doesn't change, I'm going to need to notify the council. And then we could say something like, I mean, if you'd be happy to just make those changes that we've talked about, then you and I don't have any of those kind of council involvement issues to worry about. So that's what I would do. First, I would state the facts objectively, and that might be it. Hey mate, you said that you were going to pay attention to this I've just noticed that there's still been cars parking. Just want to touch base, find out what's going on on your end. Is there any particular issue with this from your perspective? Then I might think about those types of conflict that I've talked about in previous

episodes of the podcast: 15:59

value, data, relationship, interest, and structure. And I would consider those— where can we remedy things, how can we sh— move things around, etc.— to hopefully maybe prevent the conflict that's we're dealing with coming up, or mitigate some of the negative impact that is incurred as a result. And then finally, we've got the option of complaining to the council, and I would let them know that that's something that I'm considering if the behavior doesn't change. That's an option that I will need to give some thought to. I personally do the same thing when I'm doing performance management conversations with a staff member. I would always say 'Look, if this doesn't change, this is what I'm going

to need to consider: 16:44

mediation, formal performance management, giving you a low score on your annual review, whatever the thing is that I'm considering doing.' To me, I'd prefer to use that as leverage to get the other person to change their behavior rather than just punishment after the fact. And I often then sit there feeling a little bit guilty and second-guessing myself in terms of, did I do as much as I could have done to support the person? But obviously this is an area that all of us are going to have different perspectives on, of course. Follow up again— do you follow up a third time or a fourth time or a fifth time? Maybe. For me, I don't usually mind following up a third time. I think after you followed up three times, probably there's not a whole lot of chance of the other person changing. But you don't want to underestimate that. Maybe their resistance to doing what you asked them to do earlier on was because of a particular challenge that they were dealing with at the time, or maybe there was something in their context that's changed, like they've moved to a different job, or they're going through a divorce and separation, or things are more settled after a recent divorce or separation. There'll be different elements that are changing behind the scenes that you don't have any awareness of So you don't want to make assumptions about the fact that there's no hope here. If the other person doesn't want to change, what's the point of talking to them about it again? Well, how do we do it? How do we do that third kind of follow-up? For me, I'd do a similar kind of approach to the second. I'd state the facts objectively first. We've discussed this several times now. Each time you've given me an indication that it would change, but The parking has still been going on, on our block pretty much 3 or 4 days a week for the past month. So that's the objective facts. You've been— there's still been people parking on our block over the next month. Here's roughly how often it's happened. And this is all within the context of you and I talking about it now twice, and you letting me know that it's going to change both times. It's reached a point where if it doesn't change, we'll be lodging a formal complaint. What that looks like, as far as I'm aware, is that an inspector will come and review the placement of your shed and review whether or not this section of my block should be considered an easement. It's possible that they will say that we need to let you walk on it, but the more likely scenario, according to the legal advice that I've been given, is that the shed will need to be taken down. Now, I know the previous owner— I don't know if you've had much connection with them But my guess is that they're probably not going to move it 2 feet onto where it should have been from the beginning. They're probably just going to rip it up. And I know that that's something that you use for storing all of your outdoor gear and stuff. Look, we don't want any dramas about all of this. We're still hoping that we can resolve it amicably, but that's the point where we're at. We're considering getting the inspector involved. So I suppose in a way that's a threat, isn't it? I'm saying to them'If you don't change, this is what's going to happen.' But for me, there's a number of different benefits of that third follow-up. First, they might have changed, the context might have changed. It's possible, even if it's 5 or 10 or 20% of the disputes that you're dealing with, that things might have shifted. Even just the mindset of the person might have shifted. Maybe they've been given some advice from someone, or they've been complaining about you to someone in their network who's a bit of a sounding board. And they might have had a bit of a reality check potentially. Again, we don't really know all of these factors that are going on behind the scenes, but there is some tangible hope there, isn't there? It's not zero. There's some percentage of people that when you follow up the third time that they will actually change. But let's think about even if they don't change. I often think about the

adjust process needs to have two elements: 20:42

a just outcome, and the process itself needs to be seen to be just. It needs to be seen to be fair. So if we've given the other person a number of different chances, we've expressed ourselves as clearly as we could, we've ideally stayed calm even if the other person was getting a bit hotheaded, what it means is that when the inspector arrives and you talk to them about the background, they would be likely to have seen you as taking reasonable steps to resolve this amicably. And when your neighbor is thinking about it, or they talk to their partner or their friends or something, it's possible that as they explain some of the detail here, that this might be seen externally to be fair, but the other person might also experience a different aspect of you when you follow up with them multiple times versus when you tell them something once and then you report them to the council. Obviously that reporting to the council immediately is what we would think of as an adversarial kind of approach. And that might be something that's— that's the way you were brought up, and that's the way that you tend to treat people. They need to learn that they can't overstep the mark. They need to learn that they can't walk all over the top of me. The challenge with that adversarial approach, obviously, is that it can ruin the relationship. Your neighbor's probably gonna harbor a bit of a grudge against you, so they're not going to want to come over and have a beer or have a jam on guitar or when your kids are playing together, there might be a little bit of awkwardness and tension that sits there as a result because you've taken that adversarial approach. And all of us are going to have a different way of thinking about that. But for me, I really want close connection with my neighbors. Where I live, most people own the houses, or it's probably 50/50 roughly, but a lot of people are here for a number of years. I've got young kids, so they all play together. There's this like sandlot kids kind of dynamic that exists where everyone just goes out the back after school and plays soccer. It's really paradise in a number of different ways. And what I want to invest in is this neighborhood, this local community. So for me, I really want to know my neighbors, and frankly, I want to have an okay relationship with them. And mostly I do. I don't think I've had any conflict that's unresolved with neighbors at the moment, but I suppose I'm— we'll see down the track, right? But for me, reporting someone to the council is a step against a neighbor that I almost never want to take because of the toxic elements that it drips into their relationship. And even if I think about my son or my mental health, what we're achieving in life, our personal goals and ambitions, etc., I'm going to do a better job focusing on those areas for me when I've got good relationships with my neighbors. Conflict is taxing on our system. It takes a little bit of our executive function, our mental resources away. And the same thing is true for my son. So for me, I really would be quite reluctant to make that formal complaint, and it's not because I'm worried about the stressful process that might be involved but I honestly don't want to hurt my neighbor, and I honestly want to have a good relationship with the people that I live around. So we've all got these different layers of values or beliefs or conscious goals, if you want to think about it in that way, like I would like to help the neighborhood where I live, etc. And that's going to very much influence the style that we choose to take. So even if you follow the same steps that I've talked about— stating the facts very objectively, summarizing the type of conflict and what might be going on here, and then talking about a last, last option, an ultimatum, a final choice, making sure that they're clear about the consequences— you would do it in a very different way to me. And personally, I think that's probably okay. In fact, I think one of the biggest mistakes that people make when it comes to conflict is assuming that other people all think the way that you do. They don't. So even if we think about how to follow up, or that third follow-up, each person that we're dealing with might warrant a different approach. And as we can develop that flexible way of dealing with conflict, a lot of the time that's when we begin to see more positive outcomes as a result. But I don't know, that's just all of my thoughts on all of this. What do you think? Do you prefer not to follow up with people after conflict? You think that if you've let them know clearly what's going on, then you've done what's reasonable, what a normal human should be expected to do. Or do you follow up a number of times? And the— you may be even far beyond me. You would continue to give people chances, you would continue to, um, follow up and just express yourself very clearly because you don't want to hurt the other people around you. So for you, the balance of assertiveness, where it sits in terms of passive and aggressive, you're probably more up the end of the passive spectrum. And even though that's where you sit, you're still at least being assertive in terms of letting the other person know that it's still a problem. What do you think? What approaches have worked for you? Have you made particular mistakes along the way? I'd love to hear from you. If you'd like to get in touch, the best way usually is shoot me an email. It's podcast@sōmangood.com. And if you would like to book a coaching session with me, look at my options for training workshops, etc., or hiring me as a workplace mediator, you could see my website simongood.com. As always, thank you very much for listening, and hopefully meet you again in a future episode of the Conflict Skills Podcast. Bye for now.