Handling Colleague Clashes and Gossip Without Losing Your Cool

Feeling tension at work and unsure how to navigate tricky team dynamics? This episode, we broke down a real-life conflict between colleagues—covering everything from feeling isolated and facing gossip to the anxiety of not knowing what others think. My advice? Start with self-care and emotional regulation, use calm, neutral language in tough conversations, and keep your expectations realistic. You can't control others, but you can control how you respond. Remember: focus on being positive, professional, and solution-oriented so you can thrive, even when facing workplace conflict.

TIMESTAMPS: 

00:00 Workplace conflict case study intro

03:27 Navigating stress and social anxiety

06:44 Preparing for tough conversations

12:51 Navigating workplace small talk

13:50 Managing conflict and team expectations

17:24 Closing thoughts and resources

Transcript

0:00

Foreign. Welcome back to the Conflict Skills Podcast. I'm your host, professional mediator Simon Good. I set up this podcast to provide free resources and tools for dealing with conflict. So if that sounds like the kind of thing that's useful for you, please consider pressing subscribe in the episode Today I wanted to talk about a workplace conflict case study scenario. As usual, I'm going to read the scenario first, and then I'll talk about some of my initial thoughts before going through and exploring a couple of different areas in a little bit more depth. The reason that I talk about these workplace case studies as an analysis is that, well, hopefully it would be useful if you're dealing with this specific kind of situation that I'm talking about today. But even if you're dealing with different kinds of workplace conflict in your situation, you you might be able to transfer some of the different approaches that I talked about and use them in that different context as well. Now, as usual, I don't necessarily say that this is right. This is what you should do. This is correct. I don't know you. I don't know your context. And frankly, when we talk about these case studies, by design, they're at an inherently high level. But I sort of like that in a way because it lets me talk about general principles rather than getting sucked into the minutia of the the right and wrong or the specifics about what's actually going on in terms of the disagreement itself. So here's the case study. I'm going to read it now, and then I'll talk about some of the different thoughts that jump out at me. I joined a new job about three months ago. I became close friends with a female colleague, but after a few disagreements, she said that she wanted to keep things strictly professional. I respected that and limited communication to work. Only over time, our colleagues noticed tension between us. I also had good rapport with the team lead and people started gossiping about chemistry, which made things awkward. Eventually, I started feeling isolated and uncomfortable during group lunches, so I pulled back and began eating alone. After that, they stopped inviting me. Recently, I took medical leave for mental health reasons. The colleague who was supposed to cover for me didn't complete some tasks. When I returned, I asked her via Zoom, why certain emails weren't updated in the tracker. She reacted strongly, saying I was disrespectful. She then showed my messages to three other colleagues, which felt humiliating. The next day, my manager posted a general reminder in a group chat about treating colleagues respectfully. I felt like it was indirectly about me. I Asked my manager privately and was told that it was just a general message. Now I feel like there's gossip among the team and possibly management. Some colleagues avoid eye contact and don't talk to me much. I'm worried my reputation has been damaged. I've spoken to my manager who said that she would look into it. I'm considering HR but unsure what outcome is realistic for context. I also struggle with anxiety, OCD and maybe overthinking some parts. I also regret that I've had some personal immature conversations with another colleague in the past not related to this issue, which could complicate things if investigated. So that's the end of the case study. What jumps out at you about this and their experiences? What do you think is going on there? Do you feel like if you were the person in this situation, you would be experiencing anger and frustration, or would it be anxiety and worry? Are you the kind of person that this wouldn't really bother, or are you the kind of person that would lose sleep over this? We've all got different areas of sensitivity and different things that are likely to push our buttons. But the initial thing that jumps out at me reading this situation is that this must be incredibly stressful for the person who's dealing with it. Obviously they've tried their best to navigate and manage things in a productive, positive kind of way, but they haven't got the outcome that they were looking for. And I can certainly understand that concern about what are other people saying about me behind my back, Especially when they've had that experience of that specific person that covered for them, did share their messages, that they communicate outside of this person's permission. So they have literally had that experience of people talking about them behind their back, which often means that there's this consistent, ever present sense of foreboding. There's an ominous nature around what could be going on, what people might think of us. I was attending a family gathering a week ago and I noticed that one of my in laws sort of did this shiver kind of thing, like shaking their body physically a little bit, like what my dog Shelly does after the postie rings the doorbell and she has a massive panic attack. And then when the postie rings, she shakes and lets go of it. I think it's a little bit of that adrenaline dump. She's gotten ready for fight or flight, a physical kind of response. So she's getting rid of some of that physical energy. And I noticed with my in law that they were probably experiencing a similar kind of thing. So I said something like, oh, These things can be really full on, can't they? Or something like that. And they said, yeah, you just don't know what everybody else thinks about you. And I think that's probably part of what would contribute to the stress of the person going through this case study today. We don't know. That layer of uncertainty means that a lot of the time we paint our worst fears on what might be happening. It's like reality is behind this blank screen and we can't see specifically what's going on there. So we project all of the possibilities onto the screen and that then is what our brain responds to as we manage our own fight or flight, nervous system, etc. So it's very stressful. So if I were coaching someone who was going through this situation, or if they were a client in a mediation I was running, I would talk to them about what they need to do to look after themselves in the short term. What do they need to do to keep their head above water? Given the fact that they've got those experiences of anxiety, OCD kind of tendencies in the past, what's going to work for them to keep their head above water right now? I tend to use a coaching kind of approach. Like I would say to the person, what do you need right now? What's going to work for you to look after yourself, given all of this that you're managing at the moment and a little bit of empathy, just saying something like this sounds really challenging or that sounds really full on, that sounds quite overwhelming. That sounds like a lot to be dealing with in the midst of already, the busyness with the day to day work that we're always focused on, etc. So self care is the first thing that jumps out at me. I also think as the person begins to explore options for talking about it with whoever they decide to, their boss, the person who they've got the conflict with, the colleague who covered for them. I suppose there would be a number of different directions that the person could go and different ways that they could consider dealing with that conversation itself. But self regulation is going to be so important regardless of what they decide to do. So taking a few deep breaths before they begin speaking, managing their breath during the conversation, especially if they feel like their buttons are getting pushed or things are starting to heat up, doing what they need to do to keep that low, steady tone of voice, that calm way of speaking, they don't want to display frustration or anxiety. The more worked up that we get, the more likely it is that that will seep into the communication that we're using. So we'll blurt something out, we'll interrupt somebody without thinking that kind of thing. So if you know that a difficult conversation is coming up, you can prepare for the process and the first part of that will be self regulation. What are the tools that you can use to keep yourself calm? I've talked about this in a number of different previous episodes. So if you struggle with self regulation, feel free to check out some of those other podcast episodes in the feed there. So I often talk about that concept of preparing for the process. We don't know how someone will respond when we say something to them. We don't know if someone will agree to do something that we ask them to do. But we can probably prepare for them to be upset when we raise it with them initially. If it's a contentious kind of topic or something that is pushing their buttons and it's sensitive, it's likely that when we first raise the issue the that they will escalate in some way, they might get angry, they might get defensive, they might play the blame game and accuse us of doing something. Instead, they might be worried about how that could possibly have come across, or they might be frustrated about the fact that they've tried to be clear with us and we're still misunderstanding them. There'll be some kind of escalation that goes on there. We don't know specifically what it will be, what they're going to be upset about, but it's likely they're going to be upset. So we should prepare to de escalate. So self regulation first, keep yourself calm. Then we need to find a way to lower the intensity in the conversation, to lower the energy to deal with some of those very strong layers of emotion that are coming up there. If someone's really riled up and upset about something that might be happening. So that low, steady, slow way of speaking, that's the first thing that we need to do. Don't interrupt them. Give them a chance to have their say. Reflective listening, like repeating back the gist of what they said. Make sure that I've got this right. Let me just check I've understood you correctly before we decide to respond. Building in more silences, allowing more pauses. Sitting down, if that's an option. Going somewhere private, if that's an option. Not sitting directly across from each other, like maybe slightly askew, if that's an option. Minimizing the amount of gestures that we use in our own body language. Keeping a relatively calm and composed facial expression, even if underneath we're seething and, you know, raging beneath the surface. It's typically not very helpful to display those kinds of emotions. We can talk about them if we need to. Like that's very disappointing. But it's usually not that helpful to display the level of anger that usually just triggers defensiveness and resistance in the other party. So after self regulation, you will need to consider what's going to work for you for de escalating. Is it more focus on the empathetic listening, is it the pauses, is it your own tone of voice, is it the way that you're summarizing the topics, etc. So we can prepare to de escalate first. The other step that we can prepare for in the process of managing these kind of difficult conversations is how we're going to raise the issue. For me, I often like to talk about it in a way that's neutral and mutual. So with that person that covered for me, if I did decide to talk about it with them, I might say something like, look, I'm sorry, it seems like there's been a few crossed wires here. When I'm on leave, this is what I normally expect to happen. But it sounds like you've got a different idea of what that looks like in terms of covering for each other. In fact, when I sent you that message, it sounds like you felt like that was quite critical and maybe even felt like I'd overstepped the mark. I apologize if that's the way that it came across. So I'm initially saying there's been some crossed wires here. I don't start by saying you're wrong and I'm right. I don't start by saying, you need to understand this and this and this and this. I start by saying it seems like we're on different pages here. Let's organize the time to talk it through. So, so that we're both clear on what's going to happen moving forward. We don't want to elevate the level of, what would you call it, like catastrophe as well. For this other person, this might be a relatively minor kind of issue. So although you're feeling very upset about it, we should acknowledge the fact that we might have different levels of emotional investment. We've got different experiences, so of course we're going to have slightly different perspectives here. So think about how to raise the issue and potentially using that mutual and neutral way of phrasing it, could be something that's helpful. The next option that I thought we could consider is something like be positive, be reliable. Be contained. So with that kind of thing, when people are avoiding eye contact with you, not talking to you much, it's very tempting to respond in kind, which often means that we go further and further down this negative spiral. Instead, I think it would be good to seem positive. Like when you first see someone in the morning, give them a little smile as if you first notice them and oh, hello, how's it going? You're in a bit early today. And a little bit of a question like, how are you traveling? How's your day been? How are things? Oh, man, hasn't it been hectic lately? Or, goodness, this is the first time I've had a chance to grab something to eat and it's already 3pm or whatever. It's this small talk, very low stakes, and you're contained, you're confident, you're not rattled, you're showing up in a way that says to them that you're capable and you're a measured, quality person to include in the group, so to speak. And we don't want to catastrophize. Just because they're not inviting you out to eat with them doesn't necessarily mean anything. You're not going to always be friends with everybody that you work with. Every relationship that you've got with people that you work with is going to change over time and there'll be different seasons or different phases that it goes through. A new person might come and join the team and it shakes up the previously existing dynamics. This is all very common. So you need to keep your expectations realistic. When you're going through this kind of conflict. You're not going to be close friends with everybody that you work with. It's likely that there'll be other people in the team that are closer friends than you are in some of the places that you work or some of the teams that you're a part of. What you can do and what you can manage often is the way that you show up and being positive, reliable, contained, competent, show that it's not bothering you. Because as soon as you seem like you're shaken up, you're angry, you're frustrated, that's going to put them on alert and potentially increase that divide that's growing between you and the other members of the team. And then finally, I just wanted to note that with these kind of situations, it's always important to keep expectations realistic. When I'm coming to do a mediation, I often think about this as maybe a step in the process of interrupting the negative pattern or a step in the Process of beginning more of a positive pattern that goes on between the parties. But I'm not often there to see the fruit of that conversation. If the relationship has been getting bad over a number of years, then it's likely that it will take some time for things to begin to improve. So for this person in this situation, I would suggest to them to keep their expectations realistic. It might be one step forward and one step backwards for a little while. You might find that there's a bit of tension in some conversations and then later in the week things are better. There'll be ups and downs, of course, everybody's got their own lives going on outside of work, etc. That we're not exposed to. There's different phases that go on within the organization as well, so things are going to change. A lot of this is completely outside of your control. So there's not a whole lot of benefit in focusing on it, ruminating on it, wishing it was different, complaining about it. Often what you can do is focus on your behavior, what you say and what you do. So if you're considering what do you need to do to look after yourself, to regulate your own emotions, to de escalate the difficult situations that you're in, to raise and name the issues in a way that's future focused and solution focused, that's all that we can do. It's possible that things won't improve, at least in the short term, and that might be something that we also need to consider realistically. How long can I tolerate this pattern? Maybe there would be a point where you decide that it's time to look for other opportunities. Check the jobs wanted advertisements at the moment. At the least, that might give you some level of security. Knowing that you've got a plan B, you've got another option here. So you can remind yourself then that tolerating this current challenge isn't something that you're going to need to do indefinitely. Often when there's a finish line, we can get through a particularly challenging period. So you might consider things in your career like for this year, I'm focused on this next year I'm going to consider these couple of options. And then longer term I'm focused on moving into this kind of area. Broadly speaking, that means that the experiences that we're having today fits into a broader narrative that's directed towards where we want to go, as opposed to simply focusing on the claustrophobic, trapped feeling of being overwhelmed by the current conflict. Which, frankly, I think that I could use to describe most of the clients that I meet at least early on in a mediation process. But I don't know. Those are just my thoughts on all of this. What do you think? What jumps out to you about the case study today? Are there areas where you would do something slightly different to me, or maybe additional options that you would consider? I'd love to hear from you. If you'd like to get in touch, the best way is by email. It's podcastimongood.com and thank you very much for listening. If you would like more additional resources and tools for dealing with conflict, please consider pressing subscribe and I'll hopefully see you again in a future episode of the Conflict Skills Podcast. Bye for now. SA.